Okay
by Leca B
Summary: He looked for her the entire day. He saw the skies get dark and felt the wind blow colder, and nothing of her. And when he finally found her. And when she spoke, the nothingness in her voice scared him. "I'm scared, James." "I know." JL R&R T for langua


**Hello! **Hey, this is a fic I wrote a long time ago. Finished it November, 11th of 2008. Just know I actually felt like typing and putting it here. I'm actually procrastinating. You see, I should be doing this very boring paper I have no idea how to do, and it's due tomorrow, and I'm just… Pretending I'm doing it so that my parents don't get mad at me. I was reading some random HP fanfic, but my internet decided to go and suck, so I opened a new document on word, grabbed the nearest notebook, and typed the first fic on it. This is what happened. I personally KNOW the title sucks. I didn't have a name to it, so it became that. Suggestions accepted.

Now, please, don't be mean, okay? I don't usually write JamesLily. It was another phase of my life. I'm not really good at it, but I love them nonetheless. Also, my first language is not English, so if I make any mistake (grammatical or anything else) please forgive me. Point it out if you feel like.

Below, a part of the song that inspired me to write this. I listened to it the whole time I was writing. Actually while I wrote I listened to these songs:

Stolen (Dashboard Confessional)

Breakeven (The Script)

With me (Sum 41)

Down (Blink 182)

Collide (Howie Day)

Chasing Cars ; Open your eyes (Snow Patrol)

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine. It's aaaall JK's. Yes. All of it. Every single bit of it is hers. ****Nor are the songs I listed above. The only thing that's mine is the plot. And Lily's friends.**

Hope you enjoy! There it goes!

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"**We watch the season pull up its own stakes**

**And catch the last weekend of the last week**

**Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced,**

**Another sun soaked season fades away"**

(Stolen – Dashboard Confessional)

________________________________________________________________________________________________

**Okay**

He woke up to the sound of raindrops hitting the transparent glass of the dormitory's window. The noise broke the thick silence upon the place. He put on his glasses, directing his eyes – a beautiful shade of honey spiked by green – to the gray sky. He sighed, conformed. It had been raining for four days now, and the clouds seemed to be making absolutely no efforts to change that. If his watch didn't tell him it was 7 a.m., he would believe it was still night.

He ran fingers through his dark rebel hair. He felt like it had been night for ages. It seemed like the happy times were all gone, as if an army of dementors constantly dropped by and insisted in surrounding the castle, leaving in the air that heavy atmosphere of grief. The end of the year approached, silent and quiet, imminent, unstoppable, inevitable, and with it the end of his days at that school.

It was as if with his departure, a piece of him would stay there. It was the fact of having to leave the protection of childhood to finally become adult. It meant go out and face the real world, reality being so cruel he could barely handle _thinking_ about it. He'd have to find the strength to step out. But he was afraid.

Dark years began to form before his eyes. Death and loss so close he could slam against it turning a wrong corner. His last year at Hogwarts meant everything, and as the seventh year ended, so did his hope, his innocence.

He was not a kid. And the world out there was not a joke. Something big dragged itself by. So big and so obvious, it couldn't be hidden not even by the Ministry's attempts to pretend nothing was happening.

Cause afterwards… A war doesn't come unnoticed.

"Hey, Padfoot!" he called his best friend as he arrived at the Griffindor's table.

"Prongs." He nodded, greeting, and smiled. "I'm glad to know you remember you have friends, since you abandoned us or a pair of legs and a bunch of red hair…"

"Have you seen Lily?" the blonde girl beside Sirius tried to hide her laugh.

"Did you even _listen _to what I was saying, James?" he asked, angrily. James looked at him for a few seconds and then frowned.

"Sorry, Pads, did you say something? I was… Away…" now the blonde laughed openly.

"Oh, shut up, Lara!" Sirius hissed.

"No, it was funny!" and the other started muttering things like 'you kill me, blondie' and other things, not so polite. James ignored him and turned to the girl.

"Lara, have you seen Lily?" she instantly got serious.

"To tell you the truth… I haven't seen her since she left the dormitory. And I'm glad you asked, James, cause I'm a little concerned about Lily."

"Concerned?"

"Concerned!?" Sirius asked, exasperated "She's all you talk and think about! You should be concerned about ME! Do you know how much attention I need? A lot! Do you know how much attention I'm getting since he started dating her? None! N-O-N-E! NONE!"

"Oh, poor puppy." a boy with light brown hair and tired eyes said, sarcastic, while reading The Daily Prophet.

"Remus! Sorry, I didn't see you."

"That's fine, Prongs, we all know how carried away you get thinking about Lily." He said, playfully, watching James blush and ruffle his hair, nervously.

"It's just… She's been a little absent these days and I'm kind of worried."

"Hey, Prongs, relax!" Sirius said, passing an arm around his shoulders "Think with me. If I was your girlfriend, I would always be absent too! Having to look at your face everyday… Poor Evans!" and ran away quickly, before James punched him or something, which ended in a very comic chase in the Great Hall, causing the people eating breakfast to laugh at them.

He saw Alice Filbet yelling at her boyfriend, Frank Longbottom, she was one of Lily's best friends. He walked 'till her and greeted both screaming teenagers. They instantly stopped shouting. He nearly laughed at that.

"Hey, Alice, have you seen Lily?"

"No, James, I'm sorry. I haven't seen her since she left the dormitory."

"Lara said the same thing."

"Actually, I didn't see her in breakfast as well." Frank commented and Alice frowned.

"Now that you said it… Me neither. James, we're worried about Lily. She's been… Not herself lately."

"Absent and distant?" he completed. She nodded. He sighed. "Alice, Frank, do you know something that I don't?" he stared at them for a few seconds, until the brunette looked at the floor. "Alice?"

"It's… It's her parents, James." his worried expression turned into an even more worried one, and he got a lot paler.

"They're not… Not…" the word 'dead' refusing to leave his throat.

"No! No, God, no. They're fine. It's just… They don't understand. They think this whole war thing is not serious. They've been bothering her the whole summer to just not worry… And now they saw all the attacks on papers, and they want her to go home. She said no, of course, and now they're fighting. And that horrible sister! She doesn't help at all!" he felt his heart sink. She was having trouble back at home and he didn't even notice.

"Ah… Well… If you see her…"

"We'll say you're looking for her. Don't worry, James. Things will be alright in the end." She smiled sadly, putting a hand on his shoulder and he only nodded. It was hard to believe it would, but Alice Filbet just had that kind thing that gave you hope. He smiled back, though a little forced.

"Bye, Alice, Bye, Frank. And thanks"

"You're welcome." Both answered at the same time and as he was turning to leave he was sure he heard Alice say 'What was I saying anyway?'

He headed to Transfiguration class, where he found himself late, having McGonagall yell at him for about five minutes and making him sit beside a blonde girl who smiled dreamily at him, batting eyelashes in his direction, which he noticed was very much disturbing. He simply laid his head on his arms and drifted off to the sound of the teacher's voice. One class ended and no Lily. She never missed a class. Not even when she was sick.

He left the classroom, only to bump into a crying girl. She pushed him and ran 'till a dark-haired boy looking a lot like her only taller, mumbling something about her parents. He sighed, and once again ruffled his hair. This was getting normal. Scenes like those. And he knew it shouldn't. In days like those it was hard to find someone with a whole family alive. He especially knew it. His whole family consisted of Aurors. Half of it was dead already. The other part either hiding or about to. Feeling a hand on his shoulder, he looked back to see Sirius. He half-smiled.

"Hey, Pads."

"James, are you alright, mate?"

"Yeah, alright." his voice was a little hoarse, and his smile nearly fell.

"Look, we've talked to that Ravenclaw Lily's friends with."

"Lu?" he asked. Sirius snorted saying something about 'already being all friendsie of her friends', but then snapped out of it.

"Valmont. Yes. She said she talked to Lily in the morning and she looked pretty okay."

"Pretty okay? What is that supposed to mean?"

"As okay as someone who dates you can be, I think." He said with a hand on his chin, which made James smack him on the back of his head. "Ouch! You know what? James! You're not her shadow!" he said, gesturing exaggeratedly, accidentally hitting Remus, making him drop the books in his arms. He smacked the back of the dark-haired's head much like James had done before, and bent down to pick his books up, but stopped for a second and looked at both of his friends.

"Yeah, maybe Padfoot is right, Prongs."

"He is?"

"I am?" Sirius looked even more surprised at the statement. Remus rolled his eyes.

"What Padfoot is trying to say, with his incredible lack of tact and good manners, is that maybe she needs some space. Things happened fast, and you're always all around her!"

"But I love her!"

"You're suffocating her, James!" Sirius said, shaking him by the shoulders, but his voice hid a playful tone.

"I'm not! Am I?" he looked at Remus. He made a 'sorry' face and nodded.

"A bit, aham."

"Damn it!" Sirius laughed, and gave three steps back, bumping into a person that walked by.

"BLACK!" the blonde girl from earlier yelled, annoyed.

"No your fault, babe, people can't really get their hand off me."

"You're such a dog." she mumbled, crossing her arms, and got even more annoyed when the three boys looked at each other and laughed.

"Ah, Lara, one question."

"I didn't see Lily, James."

"No, I know. It was not that."

"So you mean what you're going to ask has nothing to do with Lily?" he blushed and scratched the back of his head. She smirked

"Guilty."

"Bring it on!"

"Do you think I suffocate her?" it didn't take one second to answer.

"Aham. Absolutely." And then she smiled, half-laughing of his miserable face. "No! James! Don't… It's not that way! You suffocate her, alright, but it's in a good way!"

"Good way?"

"Yeah! She loves being 'suffocated'. She doesn't mind at all." He sighed, relieved.

"Good."

"Now will you, please, step aside? I have Charms now." Sirius pulled her by the hand just as she was trying to walk away and hugged her waist.

"Lara, darling, of course you have Charms. You're a very charming lady." He said and kissed her. After a few seconds she pushed him, laughing.

"Sirius!"

"What? My girlfriend abandoned me for NEWT's studying! That's just sad!"

"Ah, really?" she said raising an eyebrow and fixing her bag on her shoulder.

"Yeah, by the way, she looks a lot like you! Tall, blonde, blue-eyed, gnawed nails and an awful taste for clothes."

"You just say that because she's fully clothed." Remus said rolling his eyes.

"At least I don't deny it!"

"If I see her around I'll let you know." She said kissing Sirius's cheek and turning around to leave.

"Her name is Lara Calahan, by the way!" He screamed as she walked further away from them. "Quidditch Team's Chaser! Gryffindor!"

"Get lost, Black!" she screamed back laughing, disappearing round a corner.

"Dude, these girlfriends nowadays." He complained with a smirk on his face.

"Shut up, Pads."

"Oh, sorry, Prongs. We never meant to get you down. Listen, if it's any comfort… If Lily had dumped you, the whole school would know, and the gossip would have reached our ear by now! So that means she's still with you! But of course, if she's cheating on you…" he patted James's shoulder, consoling. And ran away, restarting the chase from breakfast.

Noon. No signs of Lily. During lunch her friends came to him. A light-haired girl called Alexandra Dreamwalker (who Sirius made sure to mention had a crush on Remus) and a dark-haired called Juliana Solberg. They started complaining he had stolen their best friend, that they had barely seen her the last few weeks, but when he told them he hasn't been with her since the previous night, and that she hadn't talked much to him the whole month, they exchanged looks and started whispering in rushed tones with Lara. The next minute they dragged her out of the Great Hall, having to face a very displeased Sirius. And even when they got him to shut up, he started mumbling and babbling about it. And kept going until James punched his head. He whined a little more and then stopped and began eating. By this time, Peter (who had stayed sleeping on the dorm) was already with them.

"What's up with James?" he wanted to know.

"Oh, Jamsie is depressed because Lily flower is avoiding him."

"Shut up, Sirius. She's not avoiding me."

"Oh, that's right, she's avoiding everyone."

"Will you shut the fuck up, Padfoot? I'm not in a good mood today."

"I see that. Dear, you don't see how much you like Lily until she goes missing and leaves us with Prongs. I really hope she is not dumping you, you know, I don't think I could get used to your bad side again."

"Sirius, if you don't shut up I'm going to hex you into oblivion. And you know I can, remember last Christmas?"

"Okay, since you asked so politely…"

He didn't respond, only aggressively stuffed his mouth with a piece of meat and started chewing.

Potions class was hell form him. Slughorn, obviously, noticed Lily was missing and asked him all the time where she was. And when he finally said he didn't know the professor gladly gave him a lecture about how she deserved a better boyfriend and that he was being a horrible influence to such a brilliant student. He could have punched him. He tried to, but Sirius and Remus held him back, which made him go mad at the moment, but thank them later. Problems with the potions teacher was the last thing he needed.

He was stressed. He desperately needed news from Lily. He was extremely worried and was starting to get impatient. Starting as in completely impatient, already getting on other people's last nerves. He had nearly gotten detention in Defense Against Dark Arts, and only got away because Sirius had made puppy eyes at the teacher, and told her of Lily's latest behavior, which made the older witch look at James with a 'how-cute-poor-thing' expression for the rest of the class. He even talked back to the Arithmancy teacher when he took him 10 points for being late. He got a detention. Not even his friends could save him this time. Sirius and Remus tried to calm him down, but weren't being too successful, as James would explode even if somebody breathed too near him. They decided to talk to him, skipping History of Magic in the process, and dragged him to the common room, him complaining all the way.

"James. SHUT UP!" Sirius yelled, annoyed.

"But, Padfoot!"

"Sit."

"But…"

"SIT!" both his friends said, pushing him, making him fall on the couch.

"Shut up and listen!"

"You are… Unbearable!"

"Fact."

"You are worse than Moony in his PMS!" Remus rolled his eyes at Sirius, but agreed.

"You are extremely irritable, annoying, irrational, whining and… Nedding!"

"You're a pain in the ass, mate!" Sirius yelled, exasperated.

"Or that."

"All of that is because of Lily?"

"It can't be."

"You've always been mad but you used to give her space to breathe."

"It's about the war isn't it?"

"SHUT UP!" he yelled, standing up "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU TWO! YES! IT'S ABOUT LILY AND ABOUT THIS BLOODY WAR! IT'S GETTING PRETTY HARD TO LIVE! EVERYTIME I LOOK AROUND THERE'S PEOPLE CRYING! EVERYDAY MORE AND MORE PEOPLE DIE! AND WHEN SHE'S NOT AROUND…" his voice cracked and he fell back on the couch, burying his face on his hands. "I get scared. When I can't see her beside me, breathing… I'm afraid she's…" he cut himself off. A lump formed in his throat, and an unbearable pain filled his chest. "It… Hurts, okay? Too much to think about it."

Remus and Sirius exchanged glances before sitting beside him.

"Look, mate, we know it's tough."

"Rough times are coming."

"Don't give me this lecture, okay? My parents already did."

"James. We're here, dude."

"Yeah, we're your friends!"

"We're gonna fight beside you, and stand by you! The Voldie dude won't stand a chance to the Marauders!"

"I want to believe you, Sirius, I do. But he's done too much."

"And so have we! And you know what? It's our seventh year! You're Quidditch Captain, you're a marauder, you got your NEWT's, you got the girl! What's with all the depression?"

"Sirius is right, James. Cheer up! There's no use in all this sadness. It's exactly what he wants."

"Everybody's already sad enough, Prongs. Don't let it get to you too."

"JAMES!"

The three boys looked to the common room entry. Lara had just rushed in. She stopped, resting her hands on her knees, panting. James readily jumped from the couch. She breathed deeply, standing straight.

"Jess Sanders saw Lily in the Quidditch pitch…"

He didn't even let her finish. He bolted for the door, passing by her, throwing a 'thanks' over his shoulder. He barely heard his friends's cries for him to wait, and he knew Lara enough to know she would stop them, and he liked her even more for that.

He ran as if there was no tomorrow.

And if you stop to think, there really wasn't.

He arrived at the gardens and cursed noticing fresh rain starting to pour. He slowed for a second and decided that it didn't matter. He stepped outside the castle and shivered feeling the cold raindrops bumping against his heated skin. Freezing wind slammed against him face and flushed cheeks. His muscles tense and rigid, started getting numb from cold. Now the rain poured heavier. He blinked. He couldn't see anything because of the droplets in his glasses. His hair was flat against his forehead, soaked. His robes dripping. He didn't stop once, despite his aching lungs. The only thing he had in mind was her, Lily. He had to find her, see her, hold her. Hear her breathe, feel her there, alive, beside him. He didn't slow down. He sped up.

And suddenly he was there. And so was she. And just then he breathed.

There she was, his girl, his love, his life. In the middle of all that moss green and dark sky, there she was. Kneeled in that muddy grass. Her dark red hair, a half-curly half-straight wet mess didn't seem so red, and her vivid green eyes didn't seem to sparkle anymore as they stared blankly at the ground in front of her.

And just then he slowed down.

He walked 'till her in the slowest pace, the image before him squeezing his heart, closing his throat, his lungs stopped working for a moment. He said nothing as he approached her and kneeled beside her. She didn't look up. She didn't have to to know who it was. Only he would be there. Only to him she could tell.

"James."

Her voice, already so low, such as a whisper, cracked. It scared him. The blank expression, the nothingness in her voice… She was always so strong, always so lively. It killed him to see her so disheveled. She was a mess. For the first time in her life, she was a complete mess, and for the first time in his life he had absolutely no idea of what to do. So he answered by touching her cheek, putting her hair behind her ear, lovingly. She looked up at him. He opened a small careful smile.

"I'm scared, James."

"I know."

It was his tone, his words. She saw the fear behind them, she understood their hidden meaning. He was scared too. And it was all she needed. She didn't want someone strong and fearless to tell her he would protect her. She wasn't the damsel-in-distress kind. Besides… Someone had to be downright stupid not to be afraid of what was coming.

She just needed someone like him. Someone as scared as she was, brave enough to let it show, comprehensive enough to fight beside her and not in her place. Someone who was scared shitless of what was going to happen, ut would do anything to stop it anyway.

Someone like him. Like herself.

"Will we ever be okay?" she asked through the noise of the rain looking at him. He shrugged.

"I don't know." And then he pulled her again into his arms. "But we'll try." She nodded, resting her head on his shoulder.

"Don't leave, James."

"I won't."

He didn't have to say anything else. She knew that he loved her, and she was positive she loved him back. And he knew. That was all that mattered. She finally let him know. Just then she felt safe. Just then she thought she could be okay.

Not today, not tomorrow, but someday, with him beside her.

They'd be okay.


End file.
